THANK GOD THAT’S OVER
Steve and Josh are back from a hiatus for a second season of Stupid Church People and you have no idea how glad that makes me.
I was very excited for a few months when I discovered all these progressive blogs and started reading feminist theology in earnest. It was great, for a few months, learning new things and new perspectives. But now I’m afraid I’m right back where I started. I’ve read enough to know that feminism and Christianity aren’t mutually exclusive, and I’ve read enough to know that there are people who are finding new and interesting ways to practice and live faith in the modern world. But it still remains that Christianity is really difficult. It’s difficult to believe all the stuff you’re supposed to believe, and no amount of navel-gazing or study is going to change that.
At least, that’s how I feel right now.
Because when you think about it, Christianity is a really ridiculous thing, involving strange stories about fish and incidents of grotesque violence. You read the Gospels and you wonder, did Jesus even want anyone to understand his parables? Did he understand the parables, or was he just making it up? (I know I’m creeping over the heretic/blasphemer line here, but I don’t care anymore.)
There’s no way the Bible is completely “true,” so how is a person supposed to base her life on the teachings, stories, and traditions contained within it?
Look, I know I’m not the first person to go on about these things and people might even say that “wrestling” with these questions is the foundation of faith. I’m not pretending to be original, here. I just personally find it frustrating that I’m still wrestling. This might be a personal failing — a distaste for the incomplete, a latent strain of perfectionism that demands that the dots be connected and the pieces arranged so I can relax. Having a chronic illness has dulled these tendencies in my general life (I don’t have the extra energy to spare being all anal about stuff) but maybe hasn’t bled into my spiritual life. Not that I like to draw a distinction between the different kinds of “lives.” It’s all one life, to me.
I went to Church Pomo again on Sunday and it turns out a woman I know from childhood attends there and has in fact been involved since the very beginning of that church. She and I attended the same school for two years: grade one and grade nine. Grade nine was spent at a private Christian school, you can use your imagination about how that went. Also I almost choked to death in her back yard when I was six, but my mom gave me the Heimlich Maneuver and I survived.
THANK GOD.
March 15th, 2006 at 8:52 pm
I wish I could offer you some words of encouragement - well, I guess I could, but I’m not sure I’m qualified. I struggled too, and yes, it feels unoriginal to be having faith angst, but it’s your life, and it is a big deal, so you really don’t have to apologize for it. The fact that you are still struggling is in no way a personal failing - I think most people from quite religious backgrounds do. I think prolonged turmoil/struggle (while pretty crappy to experience) are measures of your dedication and integrity, and really, you should be lauded for that.
It can be very hard to get perspective from within a Christian community. After my struggles, I came out on the probably-atheist side, and I feel pretty good about it. A very bright friend of mine struggled for a long time, ended up staying on the Christian side, and she’s totally happy. I don’t know if this is helpful, but you will end up at the place that’s right for you. And whichever side it is, I promise at some point you’ll feel good about it too.
Ok, end of motivational pep talk. Sorry for the shmaltz.
March 16th, 2006 at 12:11 am
I have so much to say on that relates to your post here, but it’s gonna have to be a post on mine. I jotted down my thoughts to write the post after Josh and I podcasted the other night… and when I read your post here I couldn’t believe it… we are tracking sista.
So here’s the quick two liner I wrote to remind me of what I want to write (that’s how my posts come together, bits and pieces at a time). I hope this makes sense:
“I feel like I am lost for the first time in my life.
I am coming to love me lostness… it has made me feel alive. Finally there is hope that I might be found.”
March 16th, 2006 at 2:37 pm
Lindsey:
And whichever side it is, I promise at some point you’ll feel good about it too.
See, I wonder if this is true. I appreciate your comments and encouragement, but I think this might be the problem — that I expect that I’ll come to a point where I feel good about it, when maybe it’s that some people never come to that point, on either “side.”
Something to think about, anyway.
Steve:
I think I feel you on the embracing lostness idea. That’s probably the solution — to just accept the fact that I don’t know, and probably won’t ever know, anything. OK, that’s a bit melo, but this could be one of those acceptance is the first step to recovery things.